Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
