Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
