So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize