if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
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He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
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I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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