so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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