Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
