Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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