A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
