thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize