but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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