I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
