I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Randomize
