just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
