I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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