I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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