I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
