Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
we're chasing vodka with high fives
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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