I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
