Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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