he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
