My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
