I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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