watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
this is an emotional support booty call
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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