Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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