Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
