He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
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I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
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Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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