I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
