What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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