Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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