I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
