Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
