you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
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Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
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And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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