hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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