There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
