Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
