Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
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We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
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Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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