You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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