My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
