The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
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they won't let me drive with my sombrero
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
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I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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