He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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