At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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