I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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