A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
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He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
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I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Come on in and take your pants off
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