I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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