Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
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We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
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NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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