I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You made out with two different species that night
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
