We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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