Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
