I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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