I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
