Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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