I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
