i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
