I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Randomize
