The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
